Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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