I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
