I accidentally burped into my bong.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i came on her dog
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
