They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
How external is "for external use only"?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
