You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
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