i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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