1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
