I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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