Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
