That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm both gender and math confused
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
