I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
did i walk over a car last night?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
tell me about the eggs
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
