I love black thongs
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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