Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
