Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
