Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
