haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
