I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
