i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
