Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
