Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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