Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
