It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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