i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
