I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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