Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
