Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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