someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I didn't notice because vodka
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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