Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
