I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
