Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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