My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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