Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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