she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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