quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i wish my penis had a tongue
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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