Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
