I wannas sexs uuuuu
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
they're like a gay fantastic four
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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