i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
