The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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