What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
