I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
