my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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