by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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