i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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