My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
