I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
