yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
