we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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