my phone needs a breathalizer
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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