he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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