I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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