I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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