Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
