i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i just sent this text using only my big toe
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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