cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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