I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
